7 Things I Hate About the Holidays
Merry Christmas to all! Let’s get right to it… though I do enjoy the typical consumer trappings of Christmas (i.e. receiving presents), here is my spreading of yuletide anger – most of which you know you agree with but are too chicken to admit:
7. Cars with Christmas decorations. You know what I mean… the cars with wreaths on the grill, reindeer antlers out the windows, etc. Now, I have several family members guilty of this violation (you know who you are; but I still love you!). Alas, not all all is lost: Use this annoyance as your personal ‘hang out’ profiler: “Dress your car in Christmas cheer, then don’t sit with me for a beer.”
And while on my curmudgeonly car sticker rant, can we stop with the dumb ovals telling me where you’ve been? Do you think anyone gives a sh*t that you’ve been to OBX (Outer Banks), IRE (Ireland), or this head scratcher… NWW (North Wildwood)!!! Seriously? DJ Pauley D won’t even take a gig there!
6. College Bowl Games. I know, shocking coming from a guy whose TV watching is limited to sports and the Bravo network (thanks KC!), but I hate the college bowl games… HATE THEM! I’ll spare you the tired argument as to why I want – make that, deserve – a playoff system for D1 College Football. No, this complaint harkens back to my youth and why I LOVED New Year’s Day. See, for all of you born in the 80’s and beyond (quickly becoming most of the people I know), the best part about New Years – especially in the pre-drinking days – was the complete bliss thanks to every bowl game being played on this day. It was an embarrassment of riches; I warmly recall sitting with my old man and random brothers for an entire day without 1 commercial thanks to the pre-cursor of the flashback button… me getting up and actually changing the channel to another game whenever a commercial appeared on the game we were watching. How I miss the days of Pete Giftopoulos picking off Vinny Testaverde!
Compare the magic of this one day to our modern version of the bowls which kicks off – and I sh*t you not – on 12/17/11 with the “Gildan New Mexico Bowl” and ends with the national championship on 1/10/12. In between we’re treated with such classics as the “Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl”, the “Belk Bowl”, and the unforgettable “San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl”. Tell me you wouldn’t trade the auto flashback bottom on your remote today for manual channel changers on New Year’s Day, circa 1982. Besides, isn’t this the reason we had kids?
5. Apple store. Those familiar with this blog already know my disdain for all things Apple (admission: I’m typing on a MacBook Air while playing “Words with Friends” with my daughter – iPad for me; Kindle for her – who is sitting right next to me… just because we can). I admit, really cool stuff. BUT going in that store is like visiting the modern day version of Woodstock – have you ever smelled worse B.O. and bad breath? And not just MY Apple store – its pandemic to them all! I never thought the smell of the football locker room at St. Pius X (now defunct) HS could be trumped by anything worse. Congratulations Apple; you have reached yet another peak on your climb to world domination!
4. Christmas Lights. Another common complaint, but with a twist: So we’ve come a long way as a society where air-bags routinely save lives, cigarretes have been eradicated from bars so now I can wear jeans more than once before washing, and someone figured out how to make buffalo wings without the bone – what a great improvement for those who wish to consume vast amounts of fat without the caloric burn from working around the bone! And lets face it, the wing is a mere vehicle for getting the blue cheese to your mouth… just sayin’.
With all the technological enhancements to Christmas lights (e.g. icicles, flashers, fade to music, etc.), I must be the only person who cannot find the magical strand that still lights when one bulb fails. I hear this exists and after having purchased about 10, none of them work as advertised. May you rot in Hades you marketing geniuses who continue to dupe me into thinking “maybe if I just buy one more strand…”
3. “Every Kiss begins with K”. …and its red-headed stepchild, “He went to Jared”! You know what else starts with K? How about “kill” – like what what I want to do to myself whenever I hear that g*d damn jingle! And “he went to Jared” should be followed with “and I will divorce his a*s in about 3 years if he buys my rock from that shack.” People, do yourself a favor and visit my boy Paul Jacobs at Ascot Diamonds in Arlington, VA (www.ascotdiamonds.com). Shameless plug here for sure, but Paul is the man and tell him I sent you so he continues to hook up yours truly!
2. Anyone over the age of 6 who wears Santa hats. My 11 y.o. daughter is granted special dispensation here…
1. Justin Bieber
Now a word about my mother – talk about a bum deal. She lost her best friend and sister a few months ago to the ravages of leukemia. Then she totals her car last week trying to avoid an a-hole motorcyclist pushing 90. She swerves into a front yard to avoid him, car hits a tree stump and wham – totaled! I’m guessing the motorcyclist was on his way to an Apple store with a Christmas wreath on his grill. And then, in prepping for kids/grandkids coming over for Christmas day, running around like a maniac to get the presents wrapped and house in order, she takes a misstep and BREAKS HER FOOT! Talk about needing a break – but not that kind!!!
So my lone positive note of this post: Mom, look at it this way… 2011 is just a few days from being over… 2012 is bound to be better! At least we’ll be rid of Fraud’Bama!!!!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night… I’m on my way to the Apple Store to spread good will via breath mints.